Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Last time i carry you out of a forest
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
