she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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