I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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