my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
