I wish I could punch you in the face.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I did not marry a roomba.
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