My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
