I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
