Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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