you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
