Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
