Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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