Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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