he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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