I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
