Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
