i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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