my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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