You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I FOUND THE LEGS
I need a beard to bite.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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