I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize