I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
