i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
