So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
