Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
