So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
