Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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