Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
