i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
