So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
sarcasm needs its own font
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
