so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
