dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
