my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
We talked him into tasing himself.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize