I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
