How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
