it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
