I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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