Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
