If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
