I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
He kissed a someone with a penis
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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