Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
