I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
