Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
