she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
