bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
