My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
