my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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