smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
