just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
