Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I can't turn off my feet"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
