The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
