So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
