I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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