i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
