Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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