Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
