I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
