Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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