I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
