You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
