OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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